Starting at the beginning

The foundations of healthy (or unhealthy) relationships can be traced back to the very earliest days of our lives. Unlike other mammals, human babies can literally do nothing for themselves. Giraffes, by contrast, can walk within the first 20 minutes of life. All humans can do is feed, poo, and cry, and they are dependent on others for everything they need. Those needs are not just physical; emotional and relational needs are equally significant. And just as physical provision is available (milk), so also is the emotional, summarised with one word: attachment.

Attachment is simply the label given to those emotional and relational bonds that form between the infant and his/her carer – most often the mother. They are extremely strong; so strong that a mother may sacrifice her own life to save her baby. The famous psychologist Donald Winnicott once put it this way: “There is no such thing as a baby, there is a baby and someone.”

The child cannot speak until his second year, but if he could express his deepest needs in his first days and weeks, he might say something like this: Are you there for me? Can I trust you? Will everything be OK? Am I worthy of love and affection? If these questions are answered in the affirmative, the infant experiences what one researcher has labelled joy. It’s the default state of a loved and accepted baby. He knows he is the “sparkle in someone’s eye,” who is “glad to be with him.” If this warmth continues, he will grow into a securely attached child, set up for wellness and healthy relationships throughout his life.

Crucially, what applies in those early stages of life continues to operate throughout childhood and way beyond, for the rest of his life. What he receives at the hands of his carers, and how he therefore learns to relate (or not) to others determines his attitudes and relationships until old age. It’s as significant as that.

The Impact of Secure and Insecure Attachment

Loving attention and affirmation from his mother (and others) nurtures trust within the child. His view of himself also develops healthily, as he becomes comfortable in his skin, knowing that he is worthy of love and attention. This is secure attachment, and is the basis of both a healthy self and well-adjusted relationships throughout his life.

Secure attachment fosters a sense of safety, trust, and emotional stability. A child who consistently experiences love and attention learns that the world is a safe place, that relationships can be trusted, and that he is valuable. These deep-rooted emotional foundations influence his ability to form and maintain healthy relationships later in life.

On the other hand, if his mother/carer is neglectful and distracted, or unpredictable and self-absorbed, the child’s attachments will be insecure. He is likely to become uncertain of himself, unable to regulate his emotions, and unstable in his relationships.

That begs the inevitable question: if this is the situation, is there any hope?

The Lifelong Influence of Early Attachment

The patterns of attachment established in early life continue to shape how a person relates to others in adulthood. Those who develop secure attachment tend to build trusting, fulfilling relationships, whereas those with insecure attachment may struggle with intimacy, trust, and emotional regulation.

Fortunately, just as unhealthy and inadequate emotional care in early life can lead to relational problems later, provision of love and attention later can bring healing. There is always hope. Relational lack in early life is healed by relational love and acceptance in later life – although the road is seldom short and easy.

We’ll pick up on these themes in later posts. Meanwhile, why not find out more in my book, Lasting Happiness, Chapter 5?

Footnotes

[1] Lasting Happiness, Darton Longman and Todd, 2018. Available on Amazon, also as an audiobook.